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Sunday, July 27, 2014

Death’s Last Call

Against the chair, the dark chocolate chair
Sink deeper and deeper into an eternal stare
Against the chair, your favourite chair
Escape the world you cannot bear
Against the chair, the holy chair
Close your eyes and say a last prayer
Against the chair, the reclining chair
Don’t open your eyes, nothing is there
Against the chair, the last chair
Don’t give way to consciousness, there’s only despair
Against the chair, the dark chocolate chair
Sink deeper and deeper into an eternal stare
Rob Ford rides a see-saw.

Rob Ford rides a see-saw.

Tuesday, July 8, 2014

Low rumbling
Creeping eastwards;

arms stretched
heart sinks
midnight, again

Thursday, July 3, 2014

i want to douse
this all in petrol
toss a match in
and bid adieu
as what once was
burns away forever

when the fire light
flickers on my face
I won’t shed a tear
all that will be left
to feel is a little closure
mingled with the dizzying
scent of smoke

we can’t escape
our oppressors
so long as they
live free in our minds
draining us of our
slim shot at existence

Who wants to join me in bringing back the Republic of Letters?

Monday, June 30, 2014

11 More People You’ll Meet on Tinder

Here are another 11 oddities of Tinder in my multi-part exposé of this popular dating app.

Feel free to check out parts I, II and III.

1) The 18-year-old pile of cocaine. (See below)

2) The people who lecture you about morality. If I wanted this, I’d open the door to the hordes of Jehovah’s Witnesses. Also, you’re on a site built around liking people for the shallowest of reasons and then screwing them literally and/or metaphorically. So put that in your moral compass!

3) People who say “music is my life!” As someone I know pointed out, that means you’re the dullest person ever.

4) People who say “Hi” and don’t reply to my “Hello.” What have I done wrong? Should my reply have been an erect penis made out of equal signs and a “D”?

5) The person who said “Asians only.” See? Reverse racism is real!

6) The people who say they’re open minded but in the same breath go on a tirade about how drinking, drugs, smoking and freestyle rap offends them.

7) People who announce “I’m yelling Tinder!” I’m yelling “Unoriginal!”

8) The person whose only photo is them puking off the side of boat. Well, I’m aroused!

9) People who share their LinkedIn account. This one perplexes me. A fundamental part of the website is writing recommendations for other people so they’ll have a better shot at getting a job. As a lowly Tinderer, am I to recommend this person for sharing an interest in Star Wars and having a nice rack? Is this what employers in 2014 look for from prospective candidates?

10) People who quote the Bible. I mean who could possibly forget the passage where Judas swipes left on Jesus?

11) People who post their Snapchat usernames. Like the email situation discussed previously, I’m at a loss as to what I should do. (See sample Snapchat)

Wednesday, June 25, 2014

Writing a book is perhaps the most liberating (read: terrifying) thing I’ve ever undertaken.

Saturday, June 21, 2014
They’re retreating! We won! People right before they lose
Friday, June 20, 2014

to be loved
is to be consumed
by the purest escapism
so perfectly distilled
in the unexplainable
feeling of pleasant

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